Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
