I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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