She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
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