don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
