my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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