my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
