It was confusing and full of hummus
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
