i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
