I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
