I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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