You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
