Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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