Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
