So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
