when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
