I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
