I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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