I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
