I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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