i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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