I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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