i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
