I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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