Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
