Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
