it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
