Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
