Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
