The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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