we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Can vaginas get frostbite?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
