Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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