I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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