is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
