my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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