If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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