Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
