Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
This baby is an asshole
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
