I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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