so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
