im drinking this country out of the recession.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
