Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Who died my cat blue again?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
