Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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