remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
