i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
