ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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