My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
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