I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
