In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
