yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
