Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
