I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
