when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You are the jesus of drinking
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
