Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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