No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
